


Her Last Thoughts

by SeaWraith46



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 02:22:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7958626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaWraith46/pseuds/SeaWraith46
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few days after Carmilla saves them all with the Blade of Hastur, she starts to show signs that the sword may be slowly killing her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Her Last Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Liz and Thomas for being my betas for this fic!

Laura smiled as Carmilla mumbled something unintelligible in her sleep. If the past couple mornings were anything to go by, it was something Carmilla always did a few minutes before she woke up. Laura didn’t think she would ever get over how adorable it was. 

Her smile widened as Carmilla murmured and shifted again, several locks of hair falling across her face. Laura reached out to brush them back behind her ear, stopping to linger on Carmilla’s cheek. She gently placed her hand on Carmilla’s waist and carefully shifted closer until her forehead was resting against Carmilla’s chest.

She felt Carmilla stir and plant a kiss on top of her head a few seconds later. “Mornin’.”

“Sorry,” Laura muttered as Carmilla began to stroke her hair. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Laura could hear the smile in Carmilla’s voice when she said, “Can’t say I mind, cutie.”

They lay in a comfortable silence until Carmilla cursed softly, her hand jerking away from Laura’s hair. Laura pulled her head back, watching as Carmilla brought her hand up to massage her temple, her eyes squeezed tightly shut. “Are…are you alright?”

Carmilla was still for a few more seconds before she opened her eyes and gave Laura a smile she could tell was strained. “I’ll be fine. It’s just a headache.”

“But you’ve had it on and off since yesterday.”

“I’ll be fine, sweetheart.”

Laura brought her hand to Carmilla’s face, gently tracing her brow with her thumb. “I…I’m just worried. I already thought I lost you once and I can’t—“ She broke off and swallowed thickly, tears brimming in her eyes. 

Carmilla leaned forward to place a kiss on her forehead. “I’m okay, Laura. I promise.”

Laura nodded, wrapping her arm around Carmilla’s waist and wiggling closer to tuck her head underneath Carmilla’s chin. 

“So, what are we doing for breakfast?” Carmilla asked, weaving her fingers through Laura’s hair.

Laura closed her eyes and pressed herself even closer to Carmilla, almost humming with pleasure as Carmilla’s fingers grazed her scalp. “Dunno. Won’t you just drink blood?”

Carmilla laughed softly. “Obviously. I meant for you, creampuff.”

“Oh. Um, I don’t know. Breakfast means moving, and I don’t want to move yet.”

“You don’t have to move. I can get something for you,” Carmilla said, shifting away from Laura toward the edge of the bed.

“Nooo,” Laura whined as Carmilla slipped out of her grasp. “I meant I wanted to stay here with you.” 

Carmilla stood by the side of the bed, looking down at her with a soft smile. “I’m going to make you some cocoa while you decide what you want to eat.”

Laura pushed herself up onto her elbows and mustered her best pout. “I don’t want you to leave.”

Carmilla laughed and shook her head. “I’m just going to make cocoa, cupcake. I’ll be back beside you in a minute.” She bent down to kiss the top of Laura’s head before walking toward the sink at the back of the room.

Laura flopped back onto the bed and pulled the covers up to her chin. She closed her eyes and sighed happily, the corners of her mouth twitching upwards when Carmilla started to swear about being unable to find a clean mug.

“Carm,” she called out as she snuggled further into the blankets. “Hurry up, it’s cold without you.” 

“On my way, cupcake.”

Laura listened to Carmilla’s steps as she walked toward the bed, her steps slowing and then suddenly stopping. Frowning slightly, Laura sat up and looked toward Carmilla. She was standing in front of the wardrobe, completely rigid, her eyes closed and her hand balled into a fist against the side of her head.  
“Carm?” Laura asked hesitantly.

The TARDIS mug in Carmilla’s hand slipped from her fingers and fell to the floor, shattering in a burst of ceramic fragments and hot cocoa. Carmilla opened her eyes, her gaze meeting Laura’s for a split second before her eyes rolled back in her head and she dropped to her knees. 

“Carm!” Laura yelled, struggling to free herself from the blankets as Carmilla slumped to the floor. “Carmilla!”

She ran to Carmilla’s side, skidding on her knees through the puddle of cocoa surrounding Carmilla. Heart pounding, she rolled Carmilla onto her back, bending down to hold her ear over Carmilla’s mouth.

“She’s not breathing,” Laura mumbled to herself. She stood up, her hands shaking as she pushed her hair away from her face. “She’s not breathing. I need to—I should—“ 

She scrambled over to her desk, grabbing her phone and flipping it open to scroll through her contacts. Finding the number she was looking for, she raised it to her ear as she hurried back to Carmilla’s side.

“LaFontaine!” Laura all but yelled as soon as her friend picked up the phone. “Carmilla just collapsed and she’s not breathing and I don’t know what to do…right, okay, the not breathing thing makes sense because vampire but—okay, I’ll try. Please hurry.”

Laura dropped her phone on the floor and pulled Carmilla’s head into her lap. “You’re going to be okay,” she whispered, pushing Carmilla’s hair from her face. “You’ll be okay.”

Five minutes later, LaFontaine burst through the door, followed closely by Perry, Danny, and Kirsch.

“I wasn’t sure what to do,” LaFontaine explained as they knelt down next to Laura. “So I just grabbed everybody. And I’ve got JP, too, in case we need him,” they said, patting the left pocket of their jeans.

“Thanks,” Laura smiled at LaFontaine before looking down at Carmilla, her mouth dropping into a frown. “Like I said on the phone, she just... collapsed. I’m not sure what to do.”

“Well, how about we start with getting her out of this puddle of…cocoa, is it?” Perry said, glancing at Laura, who nodded in response.

“Let’s move her onto the bed,” Danny said, pushing through the small crowd in the doorway to stand next to Laura. She bent down and hooked her arms under Carmilla’s shoulders, careful to brush against Laura as little as possible. “Kirsch, help me.”

Kirsch moved to grab Carmilla’s legs and together they lifted her onto Laura’s bed. As soon as they stepped out of the way, Laura rushed to Carmilla’s side. Kirsch watched as she fussed with the pillows underneath Carmilla’s head while Danny crossed her arms, pointedly looking anywhere but Carmilla and Laura. 

Perry cleared her throat and began to shoo Danny and Kirsch out the door. “Thank you, you two, for your help but I think we have this all under control now. I can clean up this mess on the floor and LaFontaine can…”

“JP and I will research ways to revive a vampire,” LaFontaine offered. “And possible reasons a vampire might faint. Maybe negative effects from exposure to the Blade of Hastur or Lophiiformes.”

Laura whipped around to face LaFontaine, her eyes wide. “Do you really think either of those might’ve hurt her?”

“Uh…” LaFontaine’s eyes flicked to Perry, who was giving them a warning look. “Probably not. But we’ll look into it, just in case. I’m sure everything’s fine, though. She’s probably just, um, tired from all the fighting she did.”

Laura turned back to Carmilla, sitting down on the edge of the bed as LaFontaine hurried over to her computer. She took Carmilla’s hand into her lap and gently ran her fingers back and forth across Carmilla’s knuckles as Perry and LaFontaine busied themselves with their tasks. 

For several moments the only noises in the room were the clacking of Laura’s laptop keys and the chink of ceramic pieces being thrown in the trash. Suddenly, Carmilla moaned softly, her hand twitching in Laura’s grasp. She brought her free hand up to rub her forehead, wincing as she opened her eyes. “Hey, cutie,” she said, grunting as Laura lunged forward and wrapped her arms around her.

“Oh, good, you’re awake,” LaFontaine said, spinning around in Laura’s desk chair to face them. “I was just about to go create some make-shift smelling salts in the bio lab.”

“Obviously I would have made sure they weren’t flammable first,” Perry added as she tossed a cocoa-covered towel into the laundry hamper.

Carmilla glanced from Perry to LaFontaine, raising an eyebrow as she looked back at Laura. “Really, cupcake? You called in the toddlers?”

“I…you fainted!” Laura said, her anger rising as Carmilla rolled her eyes. “What was I supposed to do?”

“You didn’t need to do anything. I’m fine.” Carmilla slowly moved to the edge of the bed, ignoring Laura’s hand on her shoulder trying to force her back down. She pushed herself upright, standing for only a second before staggering backward and falling back onto the bed, her head clutched tightly in her hands.

“God _dammit_ ,” Carmilla whispered, letting Laura guide her down to lie on the bed.

Laura stroked Carmilla’s hair until she saw Carmilla relax slightly. “LaFontaine?” she asked hesitantly. “Did you and JP find anything?”

“Well, uh.” LaFontaine closed several windows on Laura’s computer before turning to face her, one hand rubbing at the back of their neck. “Her symptoms are definitely consistent with the effects of the Blade of Hastur.”

Laura nodded. “Okay. How do we fix it?”

“I…don’t know. I’m not sure it’s actually possible to fix.”

“What?”

“Preliminary research suggests that there’s no cure for exposure to the Blade. All previous cases ended in, well, the death of the person wielding the sword,” LaFontaine said, their eyes flicking from Laura to Perry.

Laura gaped at them. “No that can’t…that can’t be right. There has to be something we can do. Blood, a magical artifact, some kind of ritual, _something_.”

LaFontaine shook their head. “If blood was going to do anything to slow or reverse the effects it would have already happened when you revived Carmilla a few days ago. And as far as a supernatural cure…we haven’t found anything. JP and I will keep researching but it’s not looking good.”

There was a moment of tense silence as Laura’s face slowly crumpled. She turned to Carmilla with tears in her eyes, biting her lower lip as she watched Carmilla stare determinedly at the ceiling.

Perry cleared her throat and walked across the room to gently place her hand on LaFontaine’s shoulder. “I think it would be best if you and JP continued your research elsewhere.” She tugged LaFontaine toward the door, barely giving them enough time to grab JP’s USB. “Let us know if you need anything, okay, Laura?”

“I’ll let you know as soon as we find something,” LaFontaine said as they pulled the door shut behind them. 

“Well,” Carmilla said, slowly sitting up and propping herself against the wall. “Nothing like a visit from the dimwit squad.”

Laura gaped at her, long enough for Carmilla to furrow her brow and ask, “What?”

“Carm…they said you might die.”

“Yeah.” Carmilla shrugged. “What of it?”

Laura pushed off from the bed, extending her arms to gesture angrily at Carmilla with each word. “Oh my god. Seriously?”

“’Seriously’ what, cutie?”

“You’re still trying to keep up this whole ‘I-don’t-care-about-anything’ act.” Laura’s arms were stiff at her sides, her hands balled into fists. “You’re acting like this to _me_ , after everything that's happened. What is wrong with you?”

“What were you expecting? Some weeping, a little wailing, a few regret-filled confessions of love?” Carmilla asked with a sneer. “Because if you were, you obviously don’t know me very well.”

“Carm…” Laura’s breath caught around the word, her shoulders sagging. She brought her hands up to her face, trying to use her fingers to press back the tears that were threatening to spill down her cheeks. “Carm, you’re going to _die_.” 

Laura’s hands slid down her face, her arms dropping to hang limply at her sides. “You’re dying and you’re right, I don’t know you that well. But I thought I would have more time to get to know you and now it seems like that’s not going to happen and you’re just sitting there being smug and sarcastic.” Laura took several shaky breaths but was unable to keep her voice completely steady as she continued, “I just found you, Carm. I just found you and now you’re leaving me again. It’s…it’s just not _fair_.”

Carmilla’s head shot up and she met Laura’s gaze with a callous expression. “Life isn’t fair, cupcake.”

Laura opened and closed her mouth several times, then shook her head in disbelief. She turned and walked over to Carmilla’s bed, sitting down on the edge and leaning forward with her elbows on her thighs. “What do you want from me? Am I not supposed to care that you’re dying because I can’t…I can’t do that.”

She looked up at Carmilla, who had pulled her knees up to her chest and was now studying one of her kneecaps intently. Letting out an exasperated sigh, Laura dropped her head into her hands. After a moment she laid down, rolling over so her back was to Carmilla and doing her best to hide the fact that her shoulders were shaking as she cried.

Several moments of tense silence followed until Laura heard Carmilla slowly stand and make her way across the room. She held her breath, waiting for Carmilla’s soothing touch on her shoulder or for the bed to shift under Carmilla’s weight. Instead, she heard the door slam and Carmilla’s steps fade away into silence.

Laura jerked awake as her phone vibrated on her desk, her head smacking into the shelf at the head of Carmilla’s bed. She groaned as she probed gently at the aching spot on her head, expecting Carmilla to comment on her clumsiness. When no taunt was forthcoming, Laura rolled over and glanced around the room. Sunlight no longer streamed in through the window, replaced by dim moonlight that cast strange shadows across the room. There was no sign of Carmilla.

Laura ground her teeth, closing her eyes against the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks. Her phone buzzed again and she took a deep breath before sitting up and reaching toward it. She flipped it open and found two texts from LaFontaine: _JP and I still haven’t found anything. Sorry. Will let you know if anything turns up_ , followed a moment later by _Perry says she has brownies if you need any_. 

Swallowing thickly, Laura typed out her response: _It doesn’t matter. Carmilla’s gone_. She snapped her phone shut, staring at it in her palm for a few seconds before flinging it at the wall with a frustrated yell. A jagged crack appeared on the front screen of the phone and the battery flew off the back, both pieces spinning through the air and landing somewhere in opposite corners of the room. Laura didn’t bother to search for them, instead lying back down and curling up into a ball as her tears began to flow once again.

About an hour later Laura still hadn’t moved, though she had finally managed to stop crying. She sniffled, sitting up slowly and wiping her face on her sleeve. 

Without warning the door flew open. Laura turned to see Carmilla walk stiffly into the room and Danny and Kirsch lingering in the doorway. Kirsch gave Laura a small smile but Danny kept her eyes on Carmilla, glaring at her fiercely. 

There was a moment of tense silence as Carmilla fidgeted under everyone’s stares, her shoulders hunched as she focused her eyes on the floor.

Finally, Danny let out a snort of frustration. “Talk. To. Her,” she said, her firm gaze unwavering as Carmilla bristled at the command. 

“Yeah, and don’t even think about running away again ‘cause we will find you,” Kirsch added, crossing his arms with a satisfied grin.

Carmilla rolled her eyes. “Yeah, because you could actually manage to get your kiddy parades to work together for a second time.”

“Hell yeah we could! Danny convinced the Zetas and the Summer Society to look for you once, she can definitely do it again,” Kirsch said proudly, deflating somewhat when he glanced at Danny’s stony expression. “But, seriously, talk to Laura. She, like, loves you and stuff, it’s not fair if you keep leaving her like that.”

Carmilla’s jaw clenched, but she offered no response as Danny and Kirsch left the room. 

It was silent for a moment, Carmilla staring intensely at the floor while Laura watched her carefully. Neither one moved or spoke until Laura saw tears starting to shine in Carmilla’s eyes.

“Carm,” Laura said softly, pushing off the bed and walking over to Carmilla. She reached out to lay a hand on her arm but Carmilla jerked away, taking a step back toward the door. “Please don’t leave again,” Laura said, panic blossoming in her chest so quickly it was hard to breathe. “Please don’t leave, Carm. I know you’re scared but I can’t let you face this on your own.”

“What, you think I’m not strong enough?” Carmilla snapped, finally looking at her. Laura almost took a step back, startled by the amount of anger in Carmilla’s gaze. “I’m strong enough to face this on my own and I certainly don’t need _you_ to help me.”

Carmilla’s face had worked itself into a look of sardonic contempt, but Laura could see the shock, and maybe even some remorse, in her eyes after she spoke those words.

“Carm,” Laura said as she slowly reached out again, giving Carmilla time to pull away. She didn’t, though, and Laura settled her hand on the crook of Carmilla’s elbow.

“I don’t need your pity,” Carmilla said. Her expression hadn’t changed but her voice had lost some of its biting edge.

“I’m not pitying you, Carm. But I know you’re scared.” 

Carmilla stiffened at her words and Laura had to resist the urge to tighten her hold on Carmilla’s arm. “It’s okay to be scared, Carm. You might be…might be dying. And that’s really, _really_ scary.”

Carmilla’s shoulders slumped and she gently pulled her arm out of Laura’s hold. She walked over to Laura’s bed and laid down, curling into a ball with her back to the center of the room. Laura watched her for a moment before stepping over to the bed and sitting down behind to her. She began to rub soft circles on Carmilla’s back, increasing her pressure slightly when she felt Carmilla’s body start to shake.

After a moment, Carmilla reached up and pulled Laura’s yellow pillow from the head of the bed, wrapping her arms securely around it.

Laura smiled sadly as Carmilla buried her face in the pillow. “You’re still going after my pillow.”

For a few seconds, Carmilla said nothing and Laura’s smile slipped off her face, leaving only sadness in its wake.

“It smells like you,” Carmilla said finally, her voice muffled by the fabric.

“Is that why you started stealing it in the first place?”

Carmilla shook her head, her face still obscured by the pillow. “At first I stole it because I knew it would piss you off. Then I noticed it smelled like you, which was comforting to wake up to. Especially after I’d had a nightmare.” She pulled her face from the pillow, angling her head and then moving it downward so the end of the pillow was tucked under her chin. “I wish this was all just a nightmare I could wake up from,” she said softly, her voice catching slightly on the last few words.

Laura slid her hand up to Carmilla’s shoulder and squeezed it tightly. “I know. Me, too.”

There was a knock on the door and Carmilla tensed. 

Laura rubbed her thumb on Carmilla’s shoulder until she relaxed slightly. “Come in,” she called and the door opened to reveal Perry and LaFontaine.

“Hi,” LaFontaine said hesitantly. Neither they nor Perry stepped further into the room, standing awkwardly in the doorway. 

“Sorry if we’re interrupting,” Perry said, looking at LaFontaine, who nodded.

“Yeah, sorry,” LaFontaine said. “But I have some news about what might be going on.” Laura looked up at them with a hopeful expression and they winced. “And it’s not good.”

Laura’s face fell and she glanced down at Carmilla, who was now staring blankly at the wall.

“JP and I looked at everything we could find about the Blade of Hastur,” LaFontaine said slowly. “I even went back to the library basement for a while, but there’s nothing about how to reverse its effects. Just information on how everyone who’s ever used it, well…died.”

Laura stared at them, her face emotionless as her brain stuttered around this new information. When neither Carmilla nor Laura said anything, LaFontaine ducked their head, no longer able to make eye contact with Laura. 

Perry was watching LaFontaine and, when she saw them so unsure, turned to look at Laura. “I have brownies, cookies, and some other pastry type things if you two need any. I’ve been baking a lot since this whole…situation started so I have plenty.” She smiled but the expression dropped from her face almost immediately.

“Sorry,” LaFontaine said, sticking their hands in their pockets and hunching their shoulders as they glanced up at Laura.

“Yes, we’re very sorry,” Perry said. For a few seconds, no one said anything, and Perry looked from LaFontaine to Laura, who was still staring at them in shock. “We’ll leave you two alone,” she said, putting a hand on LaFontaine’s arm, gently guiding them into the hallway and closing the door behind them.

Camilla snorted as the door closed. “I’m dying and all the dimwit squad can do is offer baked goods?”

“I think they know cookies won’t actually help,” Laura said, her hand slipping from Carmilla’s shoulder. She moved her hands into her lap, weaving her fingers together as she stared down at them. “They just don’t know what else to do.”

Carmilla rolled over, watching as tears began to trickle down Laura’s face. She reached out and put her hand on Laura’s, wrapping it around Laura’s interlocked fingers.

“Do you remember...” Laura began slowly, still not looking up from their hands. “Do you remember what I said earlier, about not knowing much about you?”

Carmilla nodded, her thumb starting to move gently across the back of Laura’s hand.

“Well, I was hoping that…since we don’t have that much time left together—“ Laura had to stop, her breath catching as tears built up in her eyes again. After releasing several deep breaths, she was able to continue, though her voice still wavered slightly. “I was hoping that we could try to get to know each other better. We might not have a lot of time, but there are things I’d like to know about you before you…leave.”

Carmilla released Laura’s hand and moved Laura’s pillow behind her back, scooting backward toward the wall. She patted the space on the bed beside her and Laura laid down. Several tears slipped down her cheeks and Carmilla brought her hand up to Laura’s face, wiping her tears away with a look that was so tender Laura had to bite down hard on her lower lip to prevent a sob from escaping her throat.

“I think I’d like that, cutie,” Carmilla said, moving her hand away from Laura’s face and settling it on Laura’s waist. “Getting to know each other better, I mean.”

Okay,” Laura said, taking one of her hands from beneath her head to brush a few more tears from her face. “Do you have a question you want to ask?”

“It was your idea. You ask the first question.”

Laura paused for a moment, chewing on her lower lip as she thought. “What’s your favorite color?”

“Really, cupcake?” Carmilla asked, one side of her mouth quirking up in a lopsided grin. “I’m on my deathbed and all you can think to ask me is my favorite color?”

Laura tried to laugh but the noise got stuck on the lump in her throat and came out as more of a sob.

Carmilla’s eyes softened and she moved her hand back to Laura’s face, stroking Laura’s cheek with her thumb. Laura took her hand from beneath her head and placed it on top of Carmilla’s, trying to ignore how clammy Carmilla’s skin was.

Yellow,” Carmilla said after a moment of consideration. “My favorite color is yellow.”

Laura smiled and closed her eyes for a few seconds, enjoying the feeling of Carmilla’s hand on her skin. 

When she opened her eyes, she found Carmilla looking at her expectantly. “What?”

“You have to tell me yours.” Laura gave her a confused look and Carmilla rolled her eyes. “Your favorite color, sweetheart.”

“Oh! Mine is, uh, well, I have several, actually. I really like green, but not, like, lime green, more like a deep, forest green sort of color. And pink is another good color, though I can never decide if I like more of a fuchsia or magenta color better and—“ She broke off when she caught sight of Carmilla’s smirk. “What?”

“Nothing,” Carmilla said, biting back her laughter.

“Don’t laugh at me!” Laura said indignantly, taking her hand from Carmilla’s and swatting at Carmilla’s shoulder. “You asked me a question and I was answering it.”

“I know. You’re just ridiculous.” Laura moved to smack Carmilla’s arm again but Carmilla caught her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “And I love you.”

Laura stilled, watching as Carmilla stared at her intently. “I love you, too, Carm.”

A smile played across Carmilla’s face and she leaned in to press her lips against Laura’s. The kiss was chaste and gentle, but Laura still reached up to bury her hand in Carmilla’s hair.

Suddenly, Carmilla jerked her head backward and Laura hurriedly extracted her hand from Carmilla’s hair. Carmilla pressed the heel of her hand to her temple, her face contorting into a pained grimace. After a few seconds, the headache seemed to pass and Carmilla moved her hand back to Laura’s waist. 

“Did you have another question, cutie?”

Laura watched Carmilla carefully, noting her tight expression and the pain still lingering in her eyes. “You don’t have to hide the fact that you’re in pain, Carm.”

Carmilla let out a soft laugh, one of the corners of her mouth twitching upward in a rueful half smile. “I don’t think you want to know how painful it is.”

“Maybe not. But I don’t want you to have to hide it from me.”

Carmilla still looked skeptical, but Laura saw a bit more tension seep into her features a few seconds later.

“Can we keep talking?” Carmilla asked. “It’s a good distraction.”

“Of course,” Laura said. She moved her hand to Carmilla’s shoulder and began to trail her fingers up and down Carmilla’s arm, smiling when she saw Carmilla relax a little. “It’s your turn to ask a question though.”

Carmilla was quiet for a moment, her face scrunching slightly as she thought. “What would you have wanted to do if we’d had more time? Are there places you would have wanted to see together?”

“I think the first thing I would’ve wanted to do is introduce you to my dad,” Laura said almost immediately.

“You really think that would have gone well? What if he found out I was a vampire?”

Laura rolled her eyes. “Well we wouldn’t have told him that part.” She paused, smiling slightly despite the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. “And even if he had found out, I think he would have accepted it eventually.”

Carmilla lifted her hand to Laura’s head and began to stroke her hair. “Why do you say that?”

“I think he’d see how happy you make me and be willing to accept a lot because of it.”

A small smile appeared on Carmilla’s face. “You make me happy, too, Laura.”

Laura closed her eyes, her built up tears starting to slip down her face. Carmilla leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on Laura’s forehead as Laura struggled to regain her composure. 

After a moment Carmilla pulled away and laid her head back on the pillow. “Is there anything else you would’ve wanted to do?” she asked softly, her hand resuming stroking Laura’s hair. 

“I guess I could show you my home town. Though there’s not really much to see there.” Laura bit down on her lip, avoiding Carmilla’s gaze. “That’s basically all would have to show you, I barely left my town before I came here. Which is kind of pathetic.”

“Not at all, sweetheart,” Carmilla said and Laura’s eyes flicked back up to hers. “There’s something to be said for staying in one place and becoming so comfortable there that you never need or want to leave.”

“I guess,” Laura said, her lips twitching into a smile. “Where would you have wanted to take me?”

“Everywhere. Versailles, Machu Picchu, the Great Pyramids, all the sights. Museums and art galleries, places where I could tell you my version of those histories, since I lived through some of it.”

Laura’s gaze moved to Carmilla’s shoulder, where her hand began to pick at Carmilla’s sleeve. “Aren’t those places you went to with your mother?”

Carmilla watched her carefully for a moment, her brow slightly creased. “Yes. But I wanted to see them with you, too, through new eyes. I would have wanted to do it for you and for me. Because going there with you would have made those places feel less…tainted.”

“I wish I could have done that for you,” Laura said, her eyes moving back to Carmilla’s face. “Can I ask a different question or did you have more to say about that one?”

“No, go ahead.”

“What made you fall for me? Like, why me and not any of the dozens of other girls you’ve met?”

“Because you can find the good in everyone. And because you’re so full of life, so full of love and light, in a way that not many people are. The only other person I’ve met who was like that was Ell.” Carmilla smiled as she watched her hand brush a strand of hair behind Laura’s ear. “I never thought I’d find anyone like that ever again.”

Laura grabbed Carmilla’s hand and pulled it toward her face, placing a kiss on Carmilla’s fingers. “You answered that really quickly.”

“I’ve thought about it a lot, cupcake.”

Laura smiled and kissed Carmilla’s hand again. “I fell for you,” she said slowly, making a point to keep her eyes locked with Carmilla’s. “Because I could see there was good in you.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes and tried to pull her hand from Laura’s grasp but Laura tightened her hold on Carmilla’s fingers. “No, I mean it. You’ve been through so much and I know you like to pretend you don’t care about things but you do care. About me, at least. And when we first met it seemed like you didn’t believe you were worthy of love but you are, Carm.” Laura released Carmilla’s hand and moved to stroke Carmilla’s cheek. “I hope I’ve been able to show you that.”

Carmilla placed her hand on top of Laura’s, tears shining in her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak but then bit down on her lower lip, nodding instead.

A second later the moment was broken when Carmilla let out a hiss, bringing her hand back to her temple as she squeezed her eyes shut.

“I think maybe I just need to lie here quietly for a bit,” Carmilla said, her eyes still closed as her face twisted in pain. 

“Okay,” Laura said. She carefully removed her hand from Carmilla’s cheek, tucking it beneath her head. “I’ll just lie here with you.”

“Thanks, creampuff,” Carmilla said before gritting her teeth in pain.

Tears pricked Laura’s eyes again as she lay there, wanting to reach out and wrap Carmilla in a tight hug but knowing it would probably only make things worse.

Several hours later Laura drifted awake, her eyes suddenly snapping open when she remembered where she was and what was going on. Carmilla was still lying across from her, asleep, but was twitching slightly and Laura noticed some of her hair was plastered to her face with sweat. Laura reached out and placed her hand on Carmilla’s forehead, wincing when she felt the heat radiating from it. 

Carm,” she said softly, panic seizing her chest when Carmilla didn’t respond. “Carm?”

Carmilla's eyes fluttered open. “I’m still here, sweetheart.”

Relief washed through Laura, but didn’t prevent the tears from building up or a lump from forming in her throat. “You’re burning up.”

“Have been for a while, actually.”

“Why didn’t you wake me up sooner?”

“Keeping track of time is a little difficult right now,” Carmilla said, struggling to keep her eyes open. “And I’m having trouble staying awake myself.”

Laura frowned, rolling over and pushing herself off the bed. She went into the bathroom and grabbed a wash cloth, wetting it slightly in the sink. Walking back into the room, she sat on the edge of the bed and placed the washcloth on Carmilla’s forehead. 

A moment later Carmilla sat up suddenly, ripping the washcloth from her head and throwing it to the ground. 

"Carm?" Laura reached out a hand toward Carmilla's shoulder but Carmilla jerked away, hiding her face in her hands. 

"I can't do this," Carmilla said, her voice almost inaudible. Her hands slid up from her face to tangle in her hair, clenching into fists around handfuls of her black locks. "I can't do this."

Carmilla swung her legs over the edge of the bed and Laura grabbed her arm tightly. "Carm, no, you're sick, you can't be up ri—“

Carmilla shrugged out of Laura's hold and stood up, taking several lurching steps toward the door. She only made it halfway there before falling against the wardrobe. 

"I can't do this," she whispered. "I can't."

Laura rose from the bed, cautiously making her way over to Carmilla. "Carm?" she asked, resisting the urge to reach out to her. "What are you talking about? What can't you do?"

"I can't die like this!" Carmilla yelled, whirling around to face her, her hands clenched into shaking fists at her sides. Laura instinctively took a step back, her heart pounding as Carmilla continued to shout, "I can't die like this. I won't."

"W-What do you mean? You can't die like what?"

"Like this," Carmilla spat, gesturing towards herself. "Sick and weak, wasting away. I can't run, I can't hide, I can't fight. All I can do I lie here and wait while you cry next to me, just lie there waiting to die. I can't die like this!" Carmilla lashed out with her left hand, punching a hole through the door of the wardrobe. "I can't. I won't."

Laura gaped at Carmilla as she yanked her hand from the wardrobe, cursing at the splinters now imbedded in her knuckles.

"I.." Laura tried to speak but the words caught in her throat. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "I can go. If my being here is making it harder for you, then I can go." Laura opened her eyes, her gaze immediately falling to the floor. "I can leave, if that's what you want."

For several long seconds, neither of them moved nor spoke. Eventually, Laura looked up, biting her lip as she met Carmilla's hard stare. She took several steps toward the door, still with no reaction from Carmilla. 

"Okay," Laura said as evenly as she could. "I'll go then." A sob rose in her throat and she clenched her teeth around the noise, forcing it into a meek whimper. She kept her eyes glued to the floor as she walked past Carmilla, tears and shame burning equally hot on her cheeks. 

Just as Laura reached for the door handle, Carmilla's hand shot out to grab her arm. "Please don't leave, Laura," she pleaded, her voice thin and rasping. "I know I don't deserve you staying here, but please don't leave. Please." Her last words came out in a whisper, her hand trembling against Laura's arm. 

Laura turned and lifted her hand to Carmilla's face to gently stroke her cheek with her thumb. "Of course, I'll stay, Carm. Of course I will."

Relief shone in Carmilla’s eyes and she opened her mouth as if to speak, but her face suddenly crumpled and she dropped her head onto Laura's shoulder. 

Laura wrapped her arms around her just as Carmilla's knees buckled, sending them both sinking to the floor. Carmilla clung to Laura's shirt, one hand at her waist and the other on her shoulder, as Laura guided them down as gently as she could. 

"Thank you for staying," Carmilla said, her voice shaking slightly. "Thank you. I just..." Carmilla trailed off, shifting so her forehead was pressed against Laura's neck. A few seconds later, Laura felt the collar of her shirt grow damp. "I'm so scared, Laura."

Laura bit her lip and tightened her hug, one of her hands tracing soothing patterns on Carmilla's shoulder blade. 

"I'm so scared and all I can think about are all the years I’ve wasted, all the years in the light and the dark when I wasn't with you. So much time spent empty and alone. And now you're finally here but I can't..I won't be able to..."

Carmilla's next words were lost as a sob tore from her mouth, her entire body shaking. 

Laura held her tightly, rocking slowly back and forth as Carmilla continued to cry quietly against her. 

A few minutes later, Carmilla’s sobs had stopped and Laura gently pulled away from her, extending her arms so she could look at Carmilla’s face. 

“Let’s get you back into bed, okay?”

Carmilla nodded and allowed Laura to help her up. Once they were standing, Laura quickly maneuvered them over to the bed, barely getting Carmilla onto it before she collapsed under her weight. Carmilla situated herself on the bed as Laura picked up the washcloth from the floor and went to wet it again in the bathroom. When she returned, she sat on the edge of the bed, gently putting the cloth on Carmilla’s forehead and watching her with growing concern.

Carmilla’s eyes were closed, her entire body rigid. Laura took her hand, squeezing it in both of her own and trying not to cry when she noticed how clammy Carmilla’s skin was becoming.

“What time is it?” Carmilla asked, opening her eyes to look at Laura.

Laura squinted toward her computer but was unable to read the time in the corner of the screen. “I’m not sure. The sun is out, though.”

Carmilla closed her eyes again and sighed. “Damn. I wanted to see the stars one last time.”

“You can see them tonight, Carm.”

“Don’t think I’m going to make it until then,” Carmilla said. “Sorry, Laura.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Laura said, tears slipping down her cheeks as she smiled. “You didn’t do anything wrong, you saved everyone. You were so brave and I love you _so_ much.”

Carmilla didn’t respond and Laura froze, gripping Carmilla’s hand tightly. After a moment, Carmilla rolled on her side, her hand tugging from Laura’s grasp and the washcloth slipping from her forehead onto the floor.

“Carm?” Laura moved off the mattress and crouched down next to the bed, positioning her face so it was just inches from Carmilla’s. “Carmilla?”

Carmilla twitched and opened her eyes, but they were glazed over and unfocused. For a moment, she said nothing and Laura watched carefully as Carmilla’s eyes darted around the room.

“Is that you?” Carmilla asked, her eyes settling on Laura's face but still looking unfocused, like she wasn’t really seeing what was in front of her. “Ell, is that you?”

“Carm, it’s me, it’s Laura,” Laura said, grabbing Carmilla’s shoulder and shaking it a little too roughly.

“Ell,” Carmilla said again as she smiled. “I knew I would see you again someday.”

Laura put both of her hands over her mouth, trying to hold back a strangled sob. She took several deep breaths, and, when she knew that she could again speak in an even voice, said, “Yes, it’s me, it’s Ell. It’s…it’s good to see you, too.”

“I missed you,” Carmilla said, reaching out to tenderly stroke Laura’s cheek. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you, too,” Laura choked out around the lump in her throat. Tears had started flowing down her face and she didn’t bother to wipe them away.

Carmilla’s hand slipped from Laura’s face and dangled limply over the edge of the bed. “I love you, Ell,” she murmured, her eyes fluttering shut.

It took a few seconds before Laura could get words out around the sob building in her throat. “I love you, too, Carmilla.”

Carmilla’s eyes remained closed and she said nothing. Laura shook her shoulder gently, then with more urgency when Carmilla didn’t respond. “Carm? No, Carm, you can’t be dead. Please, no.”

Laura took Carmilla’s hand and cradled it against her chest as she leaned forward to kiss Carmilla’s forehead. “I love you, Car—“ Laura gasped, unable to keep speaking any longer as sobs wracked her body. She leaned her forehead against Carmilla’s, tears streaming down her cheeks as she let go of Carmilla’s hand and wrapped her arms around her lifeless body. 

“I love you, Carmilla,” Laura managed to force out between her sobs. “I love you so much.”


End file.
